Making friends as an adult: the challenges within the pursuit of connection.
Making friends as a kid often felt effortless. You were surrounded by peers in school, sports teams, and extracurriculars, all bound by a common denominator: a shared space and experience. You would pop over to your classmate's house, knock on the door, and ask the magical question, “Hi, do you want to play?” I have genuinely considered asking some of my adult friends this but it just doesn’t sound like it would land quite right. But the sentiment is sure there. I do want to play, in fact I believe adults would be wise to play as much as possible. But once formal education ends, adulthood presents a new landscape that makes forging friendships feel more challenging than ever. And trust me, I get it — as a therapist, wife, and business owner at 41, I’ve learned firsthand how much time and effort it takes to create and sustain meaningful connections.
The Role of Shared Experiences
One of the reasons friendships blossom in youth is because of the built-in common denominator: school. You see the same people every day, attend the same events, and even share the same struggles. As adults, those shared spaces become rarer. Workplaces, while social to an extent, often don’t provide the same fertile ground for friendships, especially when your colleagues come from diverse life stages and priorities.
After school, it takes more effort to find those common denominators. I’ve found myself joining classes like ceramics and dance, getting involved in my local yoga studio and am even considering branching out into improv theater and writing classes. Recently, I signed up for a mushroom hunting and identification course (yes, it’s as cool as it sounds!) and a couple of cooking classes. The point is, creating opportunities for shared experiences is crucial. While it may not always produce deep friendships it does fulfill my need for human interaction and some level of connection. In short, I’ve found the easiest way for me to foster new connections is by engaging with spaces where I’m actively participating in something I enjoy, and though it takes effort to put myself out there, it’s a crucial step.
Juggling Roles and Responsibilities
Adulthood is busy — there’s no getting around that. We are all balancing multiple roles: professional, personal, familial, and more. Whether you’re managing a business, a household, or both, it feels like there’s never enough time. When you add in the pressure of making friends, the whole idea can seem exhausting.
I’ve had many friendships that were substantial and long-lasting. Others were here for a season, and that’s okay too. As a business owner and therapist, my time is limited. But it’s not just about time — it’s the energy it takes to show up fully in a relationship. I have to manage my expectations about what friendship looks like in this stage of life. It’s not always going to be spontaneous brunches or weekly catch-ups. Sometimes, it’s a text message or a phone call.
The Role of Capitalism and the Pressure to "Do It All"
One of the hidden obstacles to adult friendship is living in a society rooted in capitalism. We’re constantly encouraged to be productive, efficient, and always "on." Leisure time, or even time spent in relationships, can feel like an afterthought when you’re consumed by work or chasing the next goal. Socializing feels less important when compared to our careers or our family responsibilities, but maintaining relationships is essential for emotional well-being.
This cultural pressure to constantly be "doing" makes it difficult to prioritize connection, but it’s also why I scope for the positives. Even when friendships don’t look the way I expect them to, I remind myself of the connections I already have. They may not always be perfect or ideal, but they bring meaning and value into my life. I’m always grateful for that.
The Effort to Connect
Here’s the real talk: friendship takes time and effort. It’s not just about hoping for meaningful relationships to appear — it’s about showing up. Yes, I get that great dopamine hit when I sign up for classes, but when it’s time to actually go, I sometimes feel like staying home. Yet I know that the only way to make friends is by actively putting myself in those spaces. So, I dig deep, put on my shoes, and go to the class, event, or group I signed up for. It’s worth it because, without effort, the chances of meeting anyone new are close to zero.
I’ve also gotten involved in my spiritual center, where events are hosted throughout the year. Spirituality is another common denominator that brings people together. Whether through shared beliefs or simply a shared sense of purpose, finding like-minded people in such spaces has made a huge difference in my adult friendships.
Here are 10 ways to make new friendships as an adult:
Join a Class, Workshop, or Club: Whether it’s for fitness, art, cooking, or a book club, participating in group activities helps you meet like-minded people.
Volunteer: Volunteering for causes you’re passionate about is a great way to connect with others who share your values and interests.
Attend Networking Events: Many cities host social and professional networking events where you can meet new people. These events are often more casual than business meetings.
Reconnect with Old Friends or Acquaintances: Sometimes rekindling relationships with people from your past (like school, work, or former social circles) can lead to stronger adult friendships.
Use Friendship Apps: Just like dating apps, there are apps specifically designed for finding friends, like Bumble BFF or Meetup.
Get Active in Local Community Events: Festivals, town meetings, or other local gatherings offer opportunities to meet people who live in your area.
Pursue a Shared Interest: Whether it’s joining a hiking group, playing in an adult sports league, or attending a local trivia night, engaging in shared activities creates a natural bonding opportunity.
Take the Initiative: If you meet someone new and feel a connection, don’t hesitate to invite them for coffee, a workout, or another casual hangout.
Attend Personal Growth Retreats or Conferences: Retreats, whether focused on wellness, mindfulness, or spirituality, often foster deep and lasting connections with others on similar journeys.
Be Open in Your Daily Life: Sometimes the best friendships come from everyday encounters—chatting with a coworker, neighbor, or fellow gym member can open the door to new connections.
These strategies can help you expand your social circle and find meaningful friendships as an adult.
The Key: Managing Expectations and Staying Open
I’ve learned that adult friendships are often less about quantity and more about quality. Some friendships might last a season, while others will span decades. The key is staying open and managing expectations. Adult friendships require different kinds of nurturing than those in our younger years, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean the connections are any less valuable.
When I reflect on the friendships I’ve had, it’s clear that it’s not for lack of trying or wanting, but the reality that life is full and complex. For me, making friends as an adult requires intentionality. I actively participate in community events, consistently take classes, and seek new experiences. The friendships I’ve developed through these activities might not always fit into the exact mold of what I envisioned, but they’ve added richness to my life.
Final Thoughts
Making friends as an adult is undeniably harder, but not impossible. It takes effort, intention, and sometimes a bit of vulnerability (okay, sometimes an uncomfortable amount of vulnerability - but I promise it is worth it). Whether it’s through a shared class, community event, or even something as niche as a mushroom hunting course, showing up is the first step. Don’t be afraid to keep seeking those connections — they’re out there. And remember, friendships evolve just like we do. So, stay open, manage your expectations, and trust that the right people will come into your life at the right time. Social supports are essential for balanced mental wellness and life satisfaction, so go on, get out there and connect, it’s for the health of your entire system - mind, body, and spirit!
